wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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