Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize