hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just invented taco cereal.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
