For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
