It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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