First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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