you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize