My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
