Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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