He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
