idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
