3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
