I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
