I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
im on a boat
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