I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
