Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
