So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
