Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
