When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
