high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
