Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
