My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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