this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
