I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
