I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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