every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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