Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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