I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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