You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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