I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
