I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
