And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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