you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
