i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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