Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
