I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
