I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
