If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We had sex on a dog bed..
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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