Kareoke will never be a sober sport
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
