Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
