eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
two words...techno handjob
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I believe in your delicious
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
