Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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