I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
