new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
