stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
