i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
