I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize