I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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