my mouth tastes like poor choices
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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