four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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