just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize