I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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