every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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