I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
