My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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