So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
