I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
