69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
