she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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