I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
