you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
