you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
