it's like iHOP with fire
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The uberlube is also flammable
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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