non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize