You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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