I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
