While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
