HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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