Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
