I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
